What shame actually is
Shame is the feeling that you, not just your behaviour, are the problem. It tends to make men smaller - going quiet, withdrawing, over-apologising, or overcompensating by trying to look like they've got it together. It often traces back a long way - something said in childhood, a mistake that got a bigger reaction than it deserved, a version of yourself you decided early on to hide.
Because shame is so uncomfortable to sit with, it rarely stays as shame for long. It often converts into anger, into shutting down, or into working, drinking or scrolling harder to not feel it.
Shame vs. guilt - and why the difference matters
Guilt says - I did something wrong. Shame says - I am something wrong. Guilt can actually be useful - it points at a specific action and can drive repair. Shame rarely does; it tends to make men defensive, withdrawn or stuck, because there's no specific thing to fix when the problem feels like it's you.
Untangling the two is often the first useful step - separating what you actually did (which might need genuine repair) from the much older story about what it means about you.
What working with Chris looks like
Alongside integrative counselling training, I've completed further training in Restorative Practice, which draws a clear distinction between accountability and shame - a man can look honestly at what he's done, and what it cost someone else, without it collapsing into a verdict on his worth as a person. That distinction is useful for shame in general, not only where it involves someone else - it applies just as much to the shame men carry privately, about things no one else even knows.
The work isn't about talking you out of feeling shame or telling you it's irrational. It's slower than that - understanding where it came from, what it's protecting you from, and building enough distance from it that it stops running the show.
Getting started
Book the free 15-minute call and say as much or as little as you want - most men who bring shame into a first conversation say it's the hardest sentence they say all year, and the easiest one after that. No referral, no waiting list.
Questions worth asking.
How do I know if it's shame, or just low mood?+
Is this only for something I've actually done wrong?+
Will talking about it make it worse?+
What actually qualifies you to work with this?+
No commitment. No form.
Book the free 15-min call.
A short conversation to see if this is the right fit for you. If it is, we book a session. If it isn’t, I’ll point you somewhere better.