A Mettle worksheet
The Repair Board
You are likely looking at this workbook because you recognise that your actions have caused harm - to yourself, to another person, or to several - and you want to do the necessary work to repair the relationship safely. You want to take responsibility, and stop repeating the same destructive patterns.
Saying you want to communicate better is easy. Actually doing it is hard.
At a basic level, every human being is driven by the same short list of fundamental needs. Those core needs are universal and they are not up for negotiation. What is up for negotiation is the specific way you go about getting them, with respect for your own needs and for everybody else’s.
Some of the strategies you use to get your needs met work. They connect you to the exact thing you were looking for without causing damage. Others are simply survival reflexes you fall back on when your needs get blocked and you start feeling the heat. When you rely on those defensive reflexes - withdrawing into your “cave”, numbing the experience, lashing out in anger - you end up hurting the people around you.
This workbook is designed to help you own your actions. It puts your needs and your reflexes out in the open where you can look at them honestly, which is far easier to do over a die and a bit of card than in the middle of a heavy conversation. It uses snakes and ladders as a way to repair harm through restorative practice.
To do that, we have to address why this might feel uncomfortable. Most men were handed one strict rule growing up, and it was never look weak. Because of that rule, sitting down to examine your own behaviour, or to play anything billed as a communication game, will naturally feel like a threat.
You do not have to be good at this
Nobody has to perform, and nobody has to lead the conversation. The die decides the pace and it decides the subject. Because the die does all the heavy lifting, there is no expectation that you come out with something profound, and no way to steer the conversation away from uncomfortable truths. You roll, and you answer what you land on. That is the whole job.
Mettle, The Repair Board, mettletherapy.co.uk
Page 1 of 12
Before you start
The three rules.
These are not house style, and they are not there to be polite. Each one is load-bearing. Take any of them out and the game turns into the argument it was meant to replace.
1
Everything you write and say is about your own behaviour.
You never write theirs down and you never bring theirs up. This is the rule that keeps the whole thing usable, because the moment a sheet or a turn becomes a list of somebody else’s failings, you have stopped playing and started prosecuting.
2
A need is not a demand.
Needs are universal and there is no arguing with them. The strategies you use to meet them are neither universal nor fixed, and that is where all the room to move is. It follows that a request somebody is not free to refuse was never a request, it was a demand.
3
Anyone can stop at any point, without a reason.
You do not owe anyone an explanation, and nothing is lost by it. Walking away when the room gets too hot is not failing at this - it is one of the more effective things anyone can do with a feeling that has got too big to hold. You can pick it up another day, or not at all.
Separate the man from the behaviour
You are here to understand your own actions, identify your unmet needs, and find healthier ways to move forward. That means taking absolute responsibility for the fact that your actions were wrong and caused harm, while recognising that a destructive reflex does not define who you are. You are still worth caring about.
This is a self-help tool rather than therapy, and it is not a substitute for it. If it stops being useful, stop and come back to it another day. If you need to talk to someone tonight, call 999, Samaritans on 116 123, or CALM on 0800 58 58 58.
Mettle, The Repair Board, mettletherapy.co.uk
Page 2 of 12
Before you start
The four survival reflexes.
When a need gets cut off, nobody sits still. You move, and you almost always move in one of four directions that Donald Nathanson mapped as the Compass of Shame. This is biology rather than character, and everybody has all four. None of them ever looks at what the feeling was actually about, which is why they are reflexes rather than answers. You will tag each of your own with one of these on page 6.
Withdrawal - go quiet and disappear
Pull back, isolate, hide. Take yourself out of the situation so nobody sees the part you can’t stand.
Often looks like - cancelling plans, leaving messages on read, going silent, disappearing into work, the phone or the shed.
Attack Self - agree with the worst verdict
Turn it inward. Get your punishment in first by running yourself down before anyone else can.
Often looks like - “I’m pathetic,” “typical me,” the running commentary that sides with whoever thinks least of you.
Avoidance - numb it and stay busy
Distract, dampen, or drown it out so the feeling never quite catches up with you.
Often looks like - drink, overwork, porn, scrolling, gambling, risk, bravado, joking it off, filling every hour.
Attack Other - push it outward
Get rid of the heat by aiming it at someone else. Blame, contempt and anger all move the feeling off you.
Often looks like - snapping at the people closest to you, blame, sarcasm, contempt, “what’s your problem?”
These four were not stupid. For a lot of people they were the smartest move available at the time. The problem is not that you learned them. It is that they are still running long after the danger has passed, usually wearing a positive spin. I’m just logical. I stay calm under pressure. I don’t do drama. Worth asking which of those is a strength, and which is a survival strategy in a better suit.
A reflex is still yours.
Naming it is not the same as excusing it. Understanding why you reach for one, and owning what it costs somebody, are two different jobs, and this board asks for both. A reason is not a defence.
The fuller version of this - where the feeling comes from and what to do with it - is in Reframe the Shame, at mettletherapy.co.uk/resources/reframe-the-shame
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Page 3 of 12
On your own - about 20 minutes
Your three needs.
Pick a dilemma, a relationship, or just the week you have had. Run down the list and tick anything that lands, going with your gut rather than working it out. Then narrow it to the three that are most alive in it, rather than the three you think you ought to pick. This is the one point in the game where you choose rather than roll.
Connection
Safety
Honesty
Respect
Autonomy
Understanding
Contribution & meaning
Peace
Rest & ease
Need 1Which need, and what is going on with it right now?
Need 2Which need, and what is going on with it right now?
Need 3Which need, and what is going on with it right now?
If you catch yourself writing “I need them to stop…”, that is a strategy rather than a need. Ask what it would give you if they did, and write that down instead. It is usually something like trust, or space, or being taken seriously.
Mettle, The Repair Board, mettletherapy.co.uk
Page 4 of 12
On your own - one copy each
Your ladders.
A ladder on this board is a thing you actually do that lifts you: it meets one of the needs you picked, and it is worth doing in its own right rather than being another chore you have set yourself. Write four of them. Each one starts with “I will…” and each one is about your own behaviour. Being specific and doable beats being admirable and vague, so “I will text when I am going to be late, before anyone has to ask” is worth more than “I will communicate better.”
The size is fixed by the board, so deciding which statement gets the large one is you saying which of them matters most. The squares are printed on each row so you can find them when you play.
Mettle, The Repair Board, mettletherapy.co.uk
Page 5 of 12
On your own - one copy each
Your survival reflexes.
There are four more of these, and the rules are the same, except that a reflex is where you go when the need is blocked. Size them by what they cost you rather than by how they look from the outside. Then tag each one with the route it belongs to from page 3, ticking more than one box if it genuinely is more than one.
Mettle, The Repair Board, mettletherapy.co.uk
Page 6 of 12
The board
How to play.
You will need this pack printed out, a die, and something to use as a counter for each person playing - a coin works fine. If there is no die in the house, number six scraps of paper from one to six, fold them up, and draw one out of a mug each turn, putting it back afterwards. Pages 5 and 6 are filled in on your own beforehand, so print one copy of those for each person who is playing. Set aside about an hour.
On your own
Put your counter on square 1, then roll and move. If you land on a ladder, climb it: read it out and say when you will next actually do it. If you land on a reflex, slide down it: read it out, name its route, and say what it costs you. If you land on a card square, draw the top card and answer its prompt out loud. If you land on anything else, nothing happens, so take the breath.
Reach 36 and you are done. The die is there so you cannot steer yourself onto the ground you find comfortable. That is the whole reason this is a game.
With one or two others
The board is the same, but everyone plays off their own sheet. If you land on R2 you read your R2, and when somebody else lands on it later they read theirs. It is the same ground with two or three different accounts of it, and nobody has to be told what they got wrong.
On a card square,once the answer is given, everyone else has one job: to say it back in their own words and ask “have I got that right?” Their job is not to agree with it, correct it, or answer it back.
On a reflex, say what it is and what it costs, and then stop. Do not explain it, justify it, or fill in the background.
Everybody finishes. There is no winner, and finishing first means nothing at all. Anyone can stop at any point, without giving a reason.
Mettle, The Repair Board, mettletherapy.co.uk
Page 7 of 12
The needs deck - sheet 1 of 4
There are thirty-six cards across four sheets. Use card stock if you have it, or ordinary paper if you have not. Cut along the dashed lines, shuffle them, and put the deck face down beside the board.
Connection
Closeness
Being properly in someone’s life, not just near them.
Who are you closest to right now, and when did you last show it?
Connection
Belonging
Having somewhere you’re counted as one of the group.
Where do you belong? Where do you turn up but don’t?
Connection
Affection
Being shown you matter, not just told.
When did someone last show you they cared, and how did you take it?
Connection
Companionship
Someone alongside you, doing nothing in particular.
Who could you call to do nothing with? When did you last?
Connection
To matter
Knowing your absence would be noticed.
Who would notice first if you went quiet for a week?
Safety
Physical safety
Not having to brace.
Where do you feel your guard go up? What happens in your body?
Safety
Emotional safety
Being able to say the real thing without it being used later.
Who can you say the real thing to? What makes them safe?
Safety
Predictability
Knowing roughly what’s coming.
What’s uncertain right now, and what is that doing to you?
Safety
Stability
Ground that stays where you put your foot.
What in your life is steady? What’s moving?
Mettle, The Repair Board, mettletherapy.co.uk
Page 8 of 12
The needs deck - sheet 2 of 4
Safety
Protection
Someone in your corner when it goes wrong.
Who’s in your corner? Do they know they’re in it?
Honesty
Truth
Getting the whole story, not the version that’s easier.
Where are you getting a version rather than the truth? Where are you giving one?
Honesty
Transparency
Nothing kept back that would change how someone sees it.
What are you holding back, and what is the holding costing you?
Honesty
Integrity
Doing the thing you said you’d do.
Where do what you say and what you do come apart?
Honesty
Being able to trust what you’re told
Not having to check.
Whose word do you take without checking? Who checks yours?
Respect
Being taken seriously
Your view landing as worth something.
Where do you get talked over? Where do you do the talking over?
Respect
Consideration
Being thought about before the decision, not after.
Who do you think about before you decide? Who thinks about you?
Respect
Being seen
Recognised as you are, not just the useful bits.
Which part of you do people not see?
Respect
Dignity
Not being made small.
When did you last feel made small? What did you do with it?
Mettle, The Repair Board, mettletherapy.co.uk
Page 9 of 12
The needs deck - sheet 3 of 4
Autonomy
Choice
A say in what happens to you.
Where have you got no say? Is that true, or does it just feel true?
Autonomy
Space
Room that’s yours, without having to justify it.
How much space do you take, and how do you take it?
Autonomy
Freedom to say no
A no that costs you nothing.
Where can’t you say no? What happens when you do?
Autonomy
Privacy
Some of it staying yours.
What’s private? Is that privacy, or is it hiding?
Understanding
Being heard
Someone taking in what you actually said.
When did someone last properly hear you? What did they do differently?
Understanding
Being believed
Not having to prove it first.
Where do you have to make the case before anyone listens?
Understanding
Empathy
Someone getting why it landed like that.
Who gets it without you explaining? What do they do?
Understanding
Clarity
Knowing where you stand.
Where are you guessing? Who could tell you straight?
Contribution & meaning
To be useful
Your effort making an actual difference.
Where does your effort land? Where does it disappear?
Mettle, The Repair Board, mettletherapy.co.uk
Page 10 of 12
The needs deck - sheet 4 of 4
Contribution & meaning
Purpose
A reason the day’s worth getting up for.
What’s the point of this week? Answer honestly.
Contribution & meaning
To do right by someone
Being the person they took you for.
Who are you trying to do right by? Are you managing it?
Contribution & meaning
Growth
Being further on than you were.
What are you better at than a year ago? What’s gone backwards?
Peace
Calm
The noise dropping.
When is your head quietest? How often do you go there?
Peace
Order
Things in a state you can live with.
What’s in a mess, and what is the mess costing you?
Peace
Closure
Something finished rather than left open.
What’s still open that you’d like shut? What would shut it?
Rest & ease
Rest
Stopping without earning it first.
When did you last stop and not feel guilty about it?
Rest & ease
Play
Doing something for no reason but the doing.
What did you used to do for fun? When did that stop?
Rest & ease
Lightness
Not everything being heavy.
When did you last properly laugh, and who with?
Mettle, The Repair Board, mettletherapy.co.uk
Page 11 of 12
After
What you actually came for.
The board was the way in. This page is the point of it. Do it while it is still warm, before anyone tidies the counters away.
1Shared ground. Which needs came up for more than one of you? If you are playing alone, which one kept turning up?
2Where does the thing that helps you set the other person off? One person’s hour in the shed genuinely meets their need for peace, and to somebody else in the house it reads as being shut out. Same action, and it lifts one of you and drops the other.
3Your default reflex. Count the tags from page 6. Which of the four owns most of yours?
4Make one request each. Keep it specific, keep it doable, and keep it to this week. They are allowed to say no, and if a no is not allowed then it was never a request, it was a demand. If you are playing alone, make the request of yourself and let yourself renegotiate it.
5What do you now know about what somebody else needs that you did not know this morning? If you are playing alone, what do you now know about yourself?
You are not trying to end up agreeing. Two people can leave this table clearer that they want different things, and that is a real result - it is the one thing you could not get to while everybody was guessing.
This is a self-help tool rather than therapy, and it is not a substitute for it. If it stops being useful, stop and come back to it another day. If you need to talk to someone tonight, call 999, Samaritans on 116 123, or CALM on 0800 58 58 58.
Mettle, The Repair Board, mettletherapy.co.uk
Page 12 of 12